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Thursday, February 3, 2011

@#&%$*! Squirrels!!!

My loving and amazing husband bought me a lovely bird feeder for Christmas along with all the bird feed I could pack into the thing.  Hours after I hung the feeder I saw that the squirrels were going to be a serious issue.  I never knew it would be an epic battle of patience and wit between rodent and human!!!

I tried to scare them away with yelling and running frantically at the feeder, but they just seemed to retreat to the safety of the trees and laugh at me.  They were filling their bellies with my bird feed and getting away with it.  This went on for a few weeks until one day I returned home from running a morning full of errands to find my beloved bird feeder broken in pieces on the ground, an army of squirrels around the spilled out bird feed stuffing their little squirrel faces.  I did the usual barbaric approach to the feeder, arms flailing and roars erupting from my mouth.  The squirrels did their usual retreat, waiting to ambush the scene upon my return to the house.

Heartbroken and at my wit's end, I vowed revenge!!!  A quick trip to the local Tractor Supply Company garnered new bird feed, a beautiful new cedar feeder, and an essential new Daisy bb gun with "Real Tree Finish!"  The model we purchased was the top of the line available at this particular store.  We spared no expense in our squirrel war.  It even came equipped with a scope!  Since it was dark when we got home and all respectable squirrels had retreated to their fluffy leaf homes, I had to wait until the next day to try out my new weapon of squirrel destruction.

I spent the entire next day trying to get a good grip on my bb gun's abilities.  But I couldn't seem to get the scope to point me in the right direction!  I don't have a lot of experience with guns, but I have definitely shot many a bb gun at a squirrel before and couldn't figure out why none of my shots landed successfully!!  Finally, my brilliant husband removed the scope and we were both suddenly a dead on shot!!!  Beware squirrels, as soon as the sun comes up I will exact my revenge for the demolition of my bird feeder!!!

The squirrels seem to be slow learners.  After scaring the squirrels with many near misses, I think they may finally be getting the hint.  I landed a shot dead on one of the squirrels and while not fatal, definitely scared the shit out of the little bastard.  Literally, I think he shit his little squirrel pants right there.  While this occurred only about an hour ago, I'm hopeful that he is telling his little squirrel friends that my yard is not the place for dinner!

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